Tinkerbell and the Boy

Having not been back here for a good few weeks I have a number of interesting developments to update on.

Thanks in no small part to the fabulous Sooze I have finally got a handle on the Boy! I am in disgrace, however as I do not have photo proof as yet, photography being low on my priority list in an increasingly busy life. BUT. But. The days of chasing the Boy down the road, school bags and shopping packets flying in all directions, in an attempt to thwart his escape, have long since passed! Now he gets out the car and is gently coaxed (read dragged) in the general direction in which we are actually headed! Not to mention the screaming boy who attracted those pitying glances from other shoppers as he was manhandled into the trolley seat, who wanted so desparately to get out of the trolley and walk, has turned into the lion satchel toting, independent (though secretly restrained) master of his own universe. I owe you Suzi!

This monologue from Tinks... erm Shannon amused me somewhat and I hope I live long enough to see it materialise:

Shannon: When I am 165 years old the fairies will give me magic. *dramatic pause* And I'll grow a rat that you can only hold by the feet, 'coz if you touch its back, or its head, or its tail it will bite you. *another even more dramatic pause* And it will be poisonous! *dramatic silence*

Since then she has been wearing her fairy wings and skirt at every available opportunity (such as at school today) and insisting on being called Tinkerbell. But NOT Tinks!

As for me, I am working as a volunteer at a brain injury rehabilitation centre called Headway to get some experience and to have something to add to my CV at the end of next year when I will FINALLY be able to start my new career proper and will be looking for a job! I also have exams looming so if there is a longer delay than usual in updating this blog, that is why.

Sean seems to be going from strength to strength with BMO Steel and, though it feels slow it seems to be growing all the time. At the very least he has not been without work since he started and he is more able now to direct his business where he wants it to go, rather than just following where the jobs come from.

Right, I hope you are all up to date enough to go on for a few more weeks... I will add pics of the Boy in his reins when I get round to it!

Positive discipline and the marble jar

Picture curtesy of
http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/a/a1/JM_marbles_01.jpg

I know I am often banging on about how things go in cycles and how we should learn to see and anticipate those cycles in order to be most effective. Well, here is another cycle:

The cycle of discipline (or the lack of it) in my children. This may well be linked to my cyclical way of life but nonetheless it needs some attention.

So we are in a downward spiral of rapidly declining behaviour in this house, which happens from time to time as I relax my expectations and/or lose focus, and the time has come to put a stop to it. I am however, or have been until recently, at my wits end. One of the problems I can't seem to overcome is that, while Shannon is constantly brought to book for her indiscretions on the behaviour front, Jordan has been allowed to get away with a good amount of disastrous behaviour under the guise that he is too little to understand (bad mother). He has been recently subjected to the Naughty Mat, but since he thinks it is a game for me to catch him when he gets up and runs away, I am still figuring his discipline out. In the mean time, Shannon needs to be less victimised and positive discipline has always worked better for her anyway!

In discussing this with another Mum, who is also head of a pre-school, she suggested I try the Marble Jar with Shannon. This ought to stop the shouting and offers a positive form of self discipline that I am reinforcing rather than enforcing. This is an age old method, used by many a parent before me, and for anyone who is keen to try it here is how it works(in theory anyway, I have yet to begin!):

There are two jars, one for Shannon and one for me, for every good behaviour such as tidying up, listening the first time, getting her own things together for school etc, she gets to take a marble from my jar and put it in her jar. For every bad behaviour, she must take one out of her Jar and give it back to me. Once she has a certain number of marbles in her jar she recieves a treat, like stickers for example (she loves those) and if she get more than the target she gets a bigger treat (haven't decided on that yet, but I think I will ask her for her input!)

The fact that shannon herself is doing the rewarding and punishing, in the form of moving marbles, is supposed to lead her to regulate her own behaviour! We shall see. I still have to buy the marbles!

I am going to start on Monday as we are out and about all weekend, so it would be pointless starting now. Until then the Naughty Mat will remain a warm spot to sit. I will keep you posted on the success (or not) unless I lose my own marbles in the interim!

Intelligence vs Porridge Brain

Having recently had a conversation regarding IQ tests and my obvious average-ness, I couldn't resist taking one I found on Super Mom's blog!

The last time I took an IQ test I was pregnant and unable to move far or fast... evidently my brain was also on a go-slow... that test labeled me distinctly average.

So I took this one and discovered that now, with my brain only functioning for one, I am gifted! With a blog badge to prove it. What a great way to start a monday!

Happy days!

I got an award...

I am beginning to believe there is some sort of plan regarding how our lives unfold, things seem to be going madly out of control and then something happens to put it all back on track. Meanwhile a lesson has been learned, a behaviour has been changed and relationships have deepened.

Blah blah blah, whatever! I know. I talk too much. Tough.

So I was starting to lose perspective on my self esteem and self confidence, for reasons I'll keep to myself for now... but I have been restored!

I got an award. My first award in the bloggersphere. Thanks Julie from Julie Cornewell's Writer's Notebook! The award is for having great attitude and/or gratitude...

Now I must pass it on and here's how:

1. Put the logo on your blog or post.

2. Nominate up to 10 blogs which show great Attitude and/or Gratitude.

3. Be sure to link to your nominees within your post.

4. Let them know they have received this award by commenting on their blog.

5. Share the love and link to this post and to the person from whom you received your award.

I would like to nominate:

Geriatric Gapper for living life to the full and keeping us all informed, up-to-date and inspired by life after... ahem... a certain age!

Confessions of a (not so ) super Mom for having great insight into normal things and an amazing imagination for the not so normal!

Potty Mummy for her hilarious take on being a Mum and a person too!

Sparx for being so real, so funny and for finding the positive and the humour in some of the most hair-raising Mummy situations!

And last but not least

Not Enough Mud for having such an interesting outlook on life and because she ran the London Marathon...

On top of this fabulous award came the decision to stick to studying next year, I will be good at helping people and I can always be a writer on the side, and an assignment result that can't be beat... 100% for an essay on education!

Feeling more like me again!

I was chatting to my Mum yesterday and she gently pointed out that I have failed miserably to update this blog recently. Too much work taking up too many words is my excuse. I mentioned that to Mum and then proceeded to tell her of all the antics Jordan has been up to recently... I thought it may as well make for some blogging fodder so here goes:

I don't feel it necessary to explain why but for some completely unknown reason I emptied the vacuum cleaner bag onto the grass as the back of the garden, rather than into, slightly less messily, a plastic packet. It made a little bit of a mess!

Having vastly more important things to do than pick up vacuum cleaner fluff from the grass I thought I would come back to it later, and I left it. Jordan found it.

Mumeeeeeee!!! Mumeeeeee!!! Mumeeeeee!!! had me dashing into the garden to see what life threatening situation the mini monster had got himself into, only to find him, hands clasped behind his back (I kid you not!) staring at the ground. Right near the Fluff.

Mumeeeee!!! lor!!! (floor) (Pointing now, so as to avoid any miscommunication!)
Oooh yes, look at that, how did that happen?
Mess!!!
Yes, it is rather messy!
way!!! (away)!

.....'scuse me?

Since when does the mother get told off by the only-just-1-and-a-half year old?

That's not the only time either! We have Sean's parents staying with us so, in order to make more room in the kitchen, I reorganised it! I merely swapped the microwave with the kettle and toaster to make more work space!

Jordan came home from pre-school and stood in the kitchen, looking from one side to the other. He stood there for a good minute before pointing at the microwave and yelling BACK! Then he pointed at the toaster and kettle and once again yelled BACK!

I may not actually be the one in charge in this house after all!

Catch me if you can!

I'm a little sad that no one could answer the questions in my previous post. I have so much more I could ask here but, since I have had no responses so far, and I am not in the mood to become irritating, I will drop it. For now.

So, I feel like blogging! Maybe I just feel like writing. On either point I have nothing of value to say so, if you don't suffer fools gladly sign off now.

I have realised that I was wrong. (Ha! That caught your eye, you'll read on just a little now, won't ya!) OK yes, I admit it! Once in a while I can be wrong! I defied the experts (mothers with grown up children) who said that it is virtually impossible to be a working Mum, (even from home, part time) and consistently keep up any form of exercise that requires you to leave the house for any length of time! Well I proved them wrong... for a while... and was feeling very smug about it too! I was running 3 or 4 times a week, for about 6 months, getting out, getting fit, still fitting in my work and my kids and I was loving it. It was summer and the daylight hung around giving me plenty of time in the evenings when Sean got home after kids were fed and bathed to venture out and stretch my legs! It's winter now. It's bloody dark by 5 and, being that I live in the relative danger of South Africa, I can hardly go running after dark now, can I! So now I am sulking. Not only was I wrong about the whole time to exercise thing, I am now feeling rather unfit and flabby again!

But!

Sean has assembled the gym in the garage and my trusty rebounder stands alongside. Perfect in home exercise equipment. Must be time for that. I don't have to leave the house. Well, we shall see, lack of time might be just one excuse better than 'I'm too bloody cold to get changed!' And it doesn't help that my house is at least 3 degrees colder than outside!

I know, don't complain about the weather, there's nothing you can do about it! Well, I never complain when it is warm, or hot. Stifling doesn't get a moan out of me. But cold! It changes me. It clamps down on my mind and no amount of positive personal pep talking can budge it. At least in England there is central heating indoors. And Suzi, bless her, has a roaring log fire melting the frosty claws that dare to force their way through her windows and doors.

I am unprepared for the cold. That may be my only problem. For now I can't change that. I feel a little rebelious.

R-E-S-P-E-C-T

You know when you get the feeling someone is trying to tell you something? When certain 'reminders' crop up here, there and every where? Everywhere you turn the same message is written on the wall? Well, that's been happening to me for about 2 months now! It happened here where Expatmum had me in stitches with her take on the Good Wife Guide from the 1950s, as well as in numerous conversations, FWD: emails, on the radio. Everywhere. It all indicates what I am supposed to be doing but not why or how! And let's face it, I've never been good at blindly following rules!

I am a modern woman. Can't help it really, it's just part of who I am and I have recently, for whatever reason, been continually reminded that I am supposed to put my husband first as he is head of the household. Really? Is that still true? What of equal partnerships, women being as important as men and respect for each other?

Now, I have no problem with respecting my husband, I take no umbridge with the role I play in our relationship, I have no issue with seeing his point of view. But surely he must equally see mine? Have equal respect for me, accept and fulfil his role in our relationship? Is the MAN as head of the house not a little archeaic? OK, I am going to bore you now by saying that I am lucky in that the man I married does not see himself as head of our household. He seems to ascribe to my version of coupledom. We are a team. We make decisions together. If our points of view differ we discuss it (sometimes rather loudly, if I am honest) and we choose the RIGHT option in the end. Not mine. Not his. He plays his role and I play mine. If we both tried to do the same thing half the necessary work would be left unattended. If we both tried to do all of it we would suffer nervous breakdowns. We defined our roles and now we fulfil them. Is this not a healthier way of building a marriage? And as far as I am concerned the children come first. For both of us.

Where does it say that a man is superior? Where does it say that a man has better judgement in all circumstances? Where does it say that men and women are not equal? That social labelling was firmly affixed by men. Thousands of years ago. Perhaps because they COULD get out of the home since women were more adept at nurturing than men were. I think that modern marriages would have a better chance of survival if husbands and wives showed equal respect for each other. Just because the man earns the money in a household doesn't mean he does the lions share of the work or has more responsibility. He has a role to play. Just because the woman stays at home (and let's be honest there are not many women who do so anymore with the need for two income households) does not mean she does not play an equal part in the work or the responsibility that makes a family. She has a role to play. Perhaps I have misunderstood the signs? Perhaps there is a flipside to the discussion that says to husbands that they ought to put their wives first? Perhaps by having an equal partnership we put each other first?

Defined roles, teamwork, equal effort and equal R-E-S-P-E-C-T are the cornerstones of a successful, fulfilling and happy modern marriage.

My biggest question in this regard, I think, is does this mean I am supposed to put my husband ahead of my children and if so how? They are completely different relationships. The love for a spouse requires constant work, the love for children is unconditional. The expectations of the relationship are different and the needs of children differ from the needs of husbands. We do not ascribe to the 'because I said so' or 'becuause I am the Mother/Father' rules of parenting. We believe in respecting our children too, believing that this will teach them that respect is earned and not just given.

It seems like it is a moot point bearing in mind that our marriage is already built on an equal footing. But then why the bombardment with the same message? What am I missing here?